


Look After You

by orphan_account



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, Cutting, Depression, Love, M/M, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-05
Updated: 2014-01-02
Packaged: 2017-12-31 14:48:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 13,160
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1032943
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He didn't want to die... he just didn't want to live anymore.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Just want to be safe here, but please don't read if you get triggered easily! 
> 
> Thanks for reading and feedback and comments are always welcome!
> 
> And thanks to my lovely beta-reader Ariana http://subspacebag.tumblr.com/

_“You are surrounded by people, but you feel lonely. You scream, but no one is listening. You fake smiles. You seem okay for others, but they aren’t looking. You try to be strong. But darkness finds you. Finds you every single time and the demons take you with them. To a place where you don’t want to be but you don’t have the key to get out of. They won’t let you go. You are trapped in darkness. One day there is a way out. But you have a big price to pay…”_

 

Harry was lying on the bathroom floor. It was dark, it was cold and he was shaking. He didn’t know if he was shaking because he was cold or because he couldn’t hold himself together anymore.

The water drops from his hair kept on falling on the floor. They fell along with his tears.

He forgot how he ended up on the floor. He remembered a talk with their management. He was angry. He shouted. But they weren’t listening. They didn’t care about his feelings. Afterwards he ran. He didn’t pay attention to the others. He didn’t care what they would think. He needed to leave and he needed to get out. Tears were streaming down his face.

Fans were shouting his name, but this time he didn’t care. He couldn’t.

 

Somehow he managed to reach his hotel room. One like all the others he slept in the last three years of his life. Impersonal and cold like his life. A life others took control over a long time ago. He thought he would finally be able to live his dream. Albums, tours, interviews. Everything he ever dreamed of. Everything he ever hoped for. But everything happened so fast. Too fast.                                               

In the end his life rushed by and he could only watch others making decisions for him, making it harder and harder for him to function. To breathe. To live.

He fought. At the beginning he fought. They fought. He thought he would be strong. They would surrender. They would be brave. Oh, how wrong he had been back then, Harry thought. How young and naïve. His biggest dream turned into his biggest nightmare. The demons took over. The demons in his life and the demons in his head.

It was dark when he stepped out of the shower. He didn’t bother to turn on the lights because he didn’t need to see.

Every time he felt like breaking down he took a cold shower. He just needed to feel something. Hoping the water would take away his pain and the demons that followed him. Like each time he sank down to the floor, holding his knees tight. Trying to be as small as possible. Hoping the world wouldn’t see him. They wouldn’t find him. He hoped he would be able to forget. Feeling better. Feeling alive again. But like every time before, the water was running cold and nothing changed. The tears were still streaming down his face. The demons were still there. The world was still turning.

People always thought he should be happy. He had no reason to be sad. He was famous, had money, was admired by millions. Had everything he ever dreamed of. How little did they know. Sure he loved to sing and to fill the biggest stadiums. He always dreamed of it. But all of this lost its meaning a long time ago. It wasn’t important if he couldn’t have the one thing he loved the most.

Harry wished he could lie there forever. That no one would ever find him. That they would forget about him and leave him behind. He didn’t have the energy to fight anymore.

Somehow he managed to stand up, though it took him a lot of energy. He didn’t recognize himself when he looked in the mirror. That wasn’t him. He ended up on the floor again. Crying. Sobbing.

He didn’t close the window, and the chilly air of the winter night was filling the room. He knew the towel wouldn’t keep him warm for long, if at all. He didn’t move. He waited. He waited for death to come and take him with him. To set him free. So he could spread his wings and fly away.

Harry didn’t want to die. He didn’t want his life to end like this. He wanted to live.  He wanted to be happy, to laugh, to dream, to love. He really wanted that. He pictured himself as an old man sitting on a wooden bench beside the love of his life.

The love of his life. A small smile crossed his face when he thought of him. He would understand. Maybe not soon, but some day. He would get over him. Move on. He would find someone else.

He didn’t want him to suffer, to see him cry, to see him miss him. But Harry couldn’t be a burden for him anymore. No, he didn’t want to cause any pain for him. He knew he had to leave him so the other one could be free. He would be better off without him. Without him, there would be no more hiding and lying. He could go on. He would be able to finally live his life again. To be happy.   
  
He would see him again. He would wait for him. Maybe in another life they would be allowed to be together.

 

The tears stopped falling. There were no more tears left inside of him. It hurt. But pain was a friend now.

Harry had no idea how long he was lying there. He didn’t hear the knocks on the door. He didn’t hear him calling his name. He didn’t hear him coming in. He didn’t see him falling on his knees beside him, reaching out for him, calling his name.

His head was put on someone’s lap. Hands were stroking his curls, and a small kiss was placed on his head.

It must have been a dream. There was no one there when he opened his eyes a bit. His head lay on the cold floor again. He was drifting away.

Harry didn’t realize that the door was open.

He was tired. He wanted to close his eyes and sleep. He never wanted to wake up again. Maybe death would finally find him and save him. He waited for the moment to come.

His body stopped shaking. Slowly breathing, he realized that it didn’t hurt anymore. The thoughts were gone and he made his peace.

He felt heat, like someone had put a blanket over him. He knew that was coming. People who freeze to death feel like burning before it actually happens. He was ready.

“Harry? Harry, please, wake up!” Harry thought he could hear someone call his name. Someone far away.

He tried to open his eyes, but he couldn’t. He slowly opened his mouth, but no words were coming.

“Harry.”

Someone took him up, carried him away.

“Hazza! Please stay here! Stay with me!” Someone was screaming. It was loud.

He was put down again. But this time it was warm and comfortable. It couldn’t be.

_Louis._

Still in his arms, Harry tried to speak again. He struggled.

“Don’t…”

“Haz…”

“Don’t try to save me, Lou.” 

  
  
Everything went black.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it took me so long to update this story... but hope you will like this chapter!
> 
> Comments are kudos are always welcome and much appreciated :)
> 
> And I wanted to thank my lovely beta-reader Adeline for her help!

 

_“They say being there for someone who is depressed is a noble thing. That might be true but loving someone with depression isn’t an easy thing to do. It’s hard. Every day you struggle. You can’t ask why because there is no answer. You can only offer your presence…”_

 

The night turned into morning. Days turned into weeks. Weeks into months.

The day Louis found Harry on the cold bathroom floor changed everything. For Harry, for Louis and for them.

They thought it would be easy. Louis thought he would be able to help Harry and he did everything he could.

 

“I have to talk to you.” Louis said on the phone.

“Come over in 30min.”

Louis walked down the hallway and it was one of the hardest things he had ever done.

“So Louis what brings you here?” Someone from their management asked him and although he hadn’t done anything, Louis already hated him.

“I want you to leave Harry alone!”

“Things are not that easy, Louis.”

Of course they weren’t easy, Louis thought. When did they ever care what he wanted?

“You don’t understand. We have to keep a certain image alive, especially with the tour and the upcoming album. I’m sorry, Lou but we can’t do that. Especially not, when your relationship will be over soon.” Someone else said.

Louis wanted to punch someone. He got so angry that he could hardly control himself anymore.

But losing control wouldn’t help, Louis thought.

“Let me stay with Eleanor!” Louis suddenly blurted out. He couldn’t believe his own words.

Eleanor. Louis knew Eleanor was part of the problem. But she wasn’t the biggest problem for their relationship. Never had been. They did their job and she did hers, as much as both of them or better the three of them hated it, it was something which needed to be done and he would survive.

“If that is what you want, we will let her know.”

“Only if you leave Harry out of this. No beard for him!”

“I don’t think you are in the position to ask for something Louis.”

“I think you forget who fills your pockets with money.”

Money, was all they ever cared for, Louis knew that and he hoped that would get them.

“Go out shopping with her later today, take her out for dinner and stay with her tonight! Make sure people see you. We will take care of the paps.”

Louis wanted to throw up. She was there? He didn’t know that, he was so busy with other things that he forgot about her.

Without any further words Louis left the room and made his way back to the hotel.

He needed to see Harry and needed to make sure Harry wasn’t alone tonight.

He needed to be careful though. He couldn’t tell anyone the real reason why he couldn’t leave Harry alone and he had to find people he trusted. There weren’t many people around them who Louis trusted. Over the last three years he learned his lesson. People who once were their friends, or acted like friends, became the ones who hurt them the most. He couldn’t let anyone hurt Harry.

 

“Hi Niall!” The smiling blond haired guy was his rescue.

“What’s up Tommo?”

“I thought you could spend some time with Harry later. He is homesick again and misses his parents. I would have stayed with him myself but have to go out with El later. We all know how miserable Harry is when he misses his family and so…”

Everyone knew he got homesick easily and missed his parents and friends. It was the perfect excuse for Louis to tell people to be around him without them needing to know the real reason.

They would take care of him when he couldn’t or when he wasn’t allowed to.

Harry would watch movies with Zayn and Liam would listen to him when he missed his family.

From time to time, Niall went golfing with him. Something Harry always liked to do. Louis was glad Harry got out of the hotel room sometimes and get away from management and PR team.

“Sure I can do that.” Niall smiled without any further questions and Louis was glad for it.

Sometimes Louis wished he could talk with Liam, Zayn and Niall about Harry. But he promised not to tell anyone and a promise was a promise. He needed to keep it.

Maybe they knew that something was off but Louis didn’t know that since they never said anything. He didn’t know how Harry would react if they found out. Maybe it would only worsen the situation.

But Louis really wondered how they couldn’t notice and ask questions. Maybe they weren’t paying enough attention, he thought. Maybe because Harry had always been the happy and cheerful boy, they couldn’t picture him broken. Maybe they didn’t know Harry as well as he knew him.

 

“Hi Haz.” Louis said entering Harry’s hotel room.

He didn’t answer, so Louis walked over to the window were Harry sat in silence, looking down at the city.

“Niall is coming over later. Told him you are homesick.” Louis spoke, hugging Harry tight.

“You?” Harry whispered as he continued to look out of the window. He wasn’t sure if he wanted to hear the answer.

“El is here and I have to spend time with her.” Harry turned around and looked at him with wide eyes, making it hard for him to speak. “There is something else Harry… I, I’m going to stay with her a bit longer.”

“Why?” Harry asked shocked. Harry knew Eleanor’s contract would end soon and Louis was happy about it. Why would he do and agree to something like that, Harry wondered.

“It’s for the best Haz. I spoke with management and they are going to leave you alone.”

Harry shook his head and tears filled his eyes. “No, Lou. You shouldn’t, no. You can’t… I’m sorry.” He sobbed.

“No Haz, look at me.” Louis went down on his knees to face Harry “I can do this and it was my decision. Don’t worry. It will be okay. We will be home soon. It’s okay, Haz.”

 

It was not okay. They both knew it but there was nothing they could do and so they fell back into their previous routine.

Louis would make sure Harry slept enough, so that he was rested. It wasn’t an easy thing to do but each time they had the chance to be together, Louis would hold him close and talk to him till he calmed down in his arms. He would sneak into Harry’s hotel room at night and hold him close till he would fall asleep.

Louis would make sure Harry ate. Not that it was a problem so far. But somehow Louis calmed down each time he ate. Something less to worry about.

Endless stolen moments followed. Hugs, glances, whispered I love you’s...

But it only got worse. As much as Louis tried, nothing helped. It got out of control and Harry went further and further away from him.

Still, he thought their love would conquer all.


	3. chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know we are all happy today because of Midnight Memories and all the feelings but I still thought I share the next chapter with you!  
> Hope you like it.
> 
> Comments and kudos are always welcome :)
> 
> A big thanks to my beta reader Ariana!

_“…You would sit by his side, hold his hand, whisper soothing words in his ear, hoping they will reach him. Be by his side when he cries. You try to make it better, you try to understand, you want to get him out of the dark.You would move mountains, cross oceans, and walk to the end of the world for him. But every time he breaks down again, you die a little too.”_

 

The tour ended. Louis sat on the floor at the terminal waiting for their flight. A flight to take them home, to take them away from all the mess. He looked down on his lap and a small smile crossed his face. Harry was resting his head on his lap.

Louis’ hands went through his curls. He looked so peaceful. He knew Harry was awake, but Louis didn’t dare to speak. Not now. Not here.

Louis’ thoughts wandered back to last night instead.

 

***************************************************************************

 

Louis was lying in one of the bunk beds in their tour bus. Earlier Zayn asked him if they could spend some time together again. Louis knew he neglected the others. Even when he wasn’t with Harry, his thoughts were with him and he paid less and less attention to the others.

It was a good night. They watched movies, talked and laughed. Louis enjoyed Zayn’s company a lot, and it was good for him not to worry for some hours. He missed those days.

Everything was good till he received the sms.

_I need you, Lou. x_

Louis checked the message on his phone twice before getting out of the bed. He needed to see Harry. He needed to be there for him. He couldn’t leave him alone.

It was easier said than done, though. Harry was sleeping in the hotel like Niall and Liam did as Louis and Zayn spent the night in the bus. Harry seemed okay earlier when he told him that he would sleep in the bus and would spend time with Zayn. He didn’t worry too much.

But maybe just because for once he didn’t want to worry and forget everything.

Louis grabbed his jacket and was about to leave the bus as he heard Zayn behind him.

“Where are you going?”

“Can’t sleep, Zayn. Will just walk around a little. Go back to bed.” Louis told him. It wasn’t exactly a lie but not the truth, either.

“You know we aren’t supposed to go out alone. Let someone from security know.” Zayn said before heading back to bed.

“I will. Sleep well, Zayn!” Another lie. But after all the years with Modest! it wasn’t a problem to lie for Louis anymore. He did it nearly every day. To media, to fans, the boys, and he even lied to his own family, especially his sisters who had no idea about him and Harry.

When he stepped out of the bus he was greeted by a cold wind. He closed his jacket and started to walk.

Thankfully the hotel wasn’t far away and fans weren’t around. Luckily even the best fans had to sleep at some point, Louis thought.

Louis sneaked into the hotel and made his way up to Harry’s hotel room.

No one saw him. Maybe all the hiding over the last three years finally hada good side. He was a pro in hiding by now.

 

“Hazza?”

He found him lying on the bed. Sobbing. His eyes red from crying. He lay next to him and pulled him close. It always helped Harry to relax so far.

“You came,” Harry sobbed.

“Of course I did, Haz. I told you I would be there for you. I’m here and I’m not going to leave you.” Louis always came. He would move mountains to do so, Harry knew that. At least Louis thought so.

“I’m sorry, Lou. So sorry.” Harry whispered.

Louis didn’t know what he meant.

“Shh, Haz. Everything is going to be ok.”

Harry shook his head and let go of Louis,resting his head next to Louis’.

Louis looked him in the eyes. Pain and fear were all he could see. His green eyes always gave it away.

“What happened, Hazza?” Louis was worried. He tried to remember what happened that day. If something went wrong. If management or others did something to make Harry so miserable.

But he wasn’t able to remember anything. Management wasn’t close to him and the concert went well, too. Louis couldn’t figure out why Harry was so miserable.

“I…” Harry sobbed again, tears filling his eyes.

Louis reached for the other one’s arms to calm him. To show him he was there.

Harry flinched.

_Why did Harry flinch?_ Louis’ eyes went wide. His heart was racing.

“Harry?” Louis saw the blood. He saw the small cuts on his arms.

Please don’t. Please don’t let this happen. Please.

“I’m sorry, Lou. I’m sorry. I didn’t…” Harry sobbed and Louis could see that he had trouble breathing.

“Harry! Harry, look at me.” When it happened the first time Louis was frightened. He didn’t know what to do. Now he only functioned. Calming Harry, looking into his eyes, tell him to breathe till his breath was regular again, whispering words into his ears.

Harry looked up. Straight into his eyes. Louis would never get used the way this green eyes looked at him so brokenly. Lifeless, full of pain and screaming.

He didn’t need to ask why. There was no answer for that question. You don’t ask a cancer patient why. Because there is no answer.

“What happened today?”

“They told me to stop it, Lou.” Harry cried.

“To stop what?” Louis didn’t know someone from management did speak with Harry.

“Everything. I tried so hard.” Harry needed a moment to go on. “Us during concerts. Us still living together. Me looking at you during concerts. Us interacting on stage. Everything, Lou.”

Fuck them. Louis felt like crying too. But he couldn’t. He needed to be strong. For Harry and for them.

“Look at me, Haz. They can’t do that. They can separate us during interviews. Place the other guys between us. Tell us not to interact on stage and not to go out together on our own. But they can’t tell us to stop. We are stronger than that, Haz. I love you and you love me, remember? I’m not going to leave you. I’m here and you are not alone. Do you understand that? Our love is stronger than they will ever be. Don’t listen to them. Focus on me. Focus on us. Promise to talk to me when something like this happens? I’m not leaving you alone with them again. I love you!”

Louis looked him in the eyes as he spoke as if he needed to make sure his words would reach Harry. That he would speak louder than the demons in his head. That Harry would understand.

“I love you too.” Harry whispered.

Harry never spoke a lot in this kind of state. There weren’t words to describe how he felt. The blackness, lethargy, and hopelessness he went through. Louis knew that so he was glad to hear this word. These three little words that meant the world to him. The words that were worth fighting for. The words that let Louis know Harry was still with him.

Louis stood up to get something to clean the cuts and a bandage. The cuts weren’t too deep and would heal soon. Before he put the bandage around Harry’s arm he would place little kisses on the cuts.

Sadly, the times when little kisses would magically heal bruises were over, Louis thought. Life wasn’t carefree anymore.

Louis would hold Harry till he fell asleep in his arms, placing kisses on his head. Making sure Harry felt loved and safe. Louis held him tight so not even the demons would be able to take him.

He knew he couldn’t stay there. Louis wasn’t allowed to stay with Harry. But this time he didn’t care. Harry wouldn’t wake up alone again. Never again.

 

And as he held him, tears were slowly falling down Louis’ face.


	4. chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry it took me so long to update but hope you like it!
> 
> It wasn't beta-read yet, so I might change it a bit later.
> 
> As usual comments and feedback is always welcome!

_“People would tell him he did the right thing. That he was strong to seek for help. That he wasn’t weak for giving up. But when he did the right thing, why did it hurt so much? Why did he felt like he betrayed him? Why did it felt like he did the wrong thing?”_

 

Louis thought at home darkness wouldn’t find them. Everything would be easier. They would be happy again.

He was wrong.

Louis was sitting in the dark living room. Somehow the darkness was like a blanket, which made him feel safe. His security blanket. It scared him to think like this but he didn’t care.                 

He promised, he promised Harry not to tell anyone, he promised to help him.

And he broke his promise.

He always feared that moment. Hoping it would never come. That the darkness would never find Harry again. His hopes were destroyed the moment he came back home a few hours ago.

************************************************************************

_flashback_

When Louis left to go grocery store to get some food for dinner, Harry was sitting in the living room watching a movie. Love Actually. Again. Harry loved this movie.

A little smile crossed his face when he looked at the screen. He seemed okay.

Louis hated to leave him alone but he had no choice. He wouldn’t be gone for long, he told himself, trying to stay calm. He would just go to the shop around the corner and be back in minutes. Just a few minutes. Nothing would happen. He need to stop worrying so much, Louis reminded himself.

With a last glance on Harry, who didn’t pay attention to him, Louis left the house.

***************************************************************************

Louis sat there for hours unable to sleep. He knew the sun would rise soon. A new day would start. A new day which would pass like every other day. A day which would only make it worse. Louis knew that. They reached the bottom. They were falling for so long that he forgot how it felt to be normal.

This night they hit the ground.

He couldn’t do it anymore. He just couldn’t. He had no energy left. He never felt so helpless in his whole life.

He needed to make a decision or he would lose Harry.

He took his phone and dialled a familiar number.

“Hello?”

“Anne.” Louis said with a small voice. He didn’t know what to say.

“Louis? Why are you calling so early? Did something happen?”

“Harry…” Louis felt miserable but he needed to do it.

“Louis what happened?” If Anne wasn’t fully awake yet, she was now. She never heard Louis speak like this before. He was sad before, angry, even worried but she could swear she could hear the pain in his voice.

“You need to come. Please.” Louis was unable to say more. He couldn’t tell her on the phone. You can’t tell mother that her son doesn’t want to live anymore on the phone.

Anne, who was really worried now, woke up her husband beside her and answered “We will be there as soon as we can.”

Louis was relieved. Finally it was out. Louis felt miserable because he broke his promise.

 

It was still early morning when they arrived. Louis was sitting on the sofa and Anne next to him. Louis didn’t know how to start.

“Where is Harry?” She wanted to know.

“Upstairs. Still asleep. Didn’t dare to wake him up and needed to talk to you alone.”

Robin, who was excusing himself earlier to make some tea, returned into the living room.

Placing down the cups in front of them. It would help, he said. Nothing helped, Louis thought but didn’t say it out loud.

“What happened?”

“I’m sorry Anne. So sorry.” Louis said and began to cry. He couldn’t be the strong one anymore.

“Louis…?” Anne was shocked; trying to understand what was going on.

“I’m sorry I didn’t take better care of him. I promised. I know. I just couldn’t. I thought things were better. I thought we fought the demons. Oh Anne, I didn’t know…I would have never left.” Louis sobbed.

Anne stood up and kneeled down in front of Louis to pull him into a hug. She never saw him crying before. Harry yes, but never Louis. He was always the strong one.

“What happened last night, Lou?” Anne wasn’t even sure she wanted to hear the answer.

“I was out to buy groceries. Harry was sitting on the sofa watching a movie. He looked okay. I didn’t like to leave him alone but it was just for a few moments. He looked okay.” Louis struggled to find the right words.

“Louis…” Anne said letting him go and looking him into the eyes. He looked to helpless. Like a small child.

“When I came back he wasn’t in the living room anymore. The house was dark and quiet. I just had this feeling and searched for him. Rushing into the bathroom I found him.”

“Louis…” This time it was Robin who spoke.

“He sat on the floor. He was sobbing and shaking. There was a razor blade on his wrist.” Louis stopped to speak. He needed to breathe. “He didn’t want to live anymore. This time he really wanted to kill himself.”

Louis saw a shocked Anne in front of him. It was like her brain couldn’t put the words together.

Suddenly she stood up and rushed out of the room.

It was out. It was a strange feeling. Like a burden which was taken from him.

*************************************************************************

Anne knew it wasn’t fair to Louis to leave him like this. It wasn’t fair but she had to see Harry.

She needed to see him. She needed to know if he was okay. But how could he be okay after all these things happened. She stopped in the door. She could see him lying there. Her baby boy. Slowly breathing under the blankets.

Alive.

She knew he was. Louis said so and she believed him. But she only started to relax when she saw him. She needed to see him.

Anne sat down beside Harry. He looked so fragile. She saw the bandage around his arm and started to cry. Why? Why did this happen? Why didn’t she see it? Why didn’t he say something? Why?

She remembered the last time she saw Harry. He looked thinner and tired but he just said that it was because of touring and he felt a bit sick. She remembered all the “I’m okay.” “I just ate. I’m not hungry.” “Don’t worry mum.” All lies Harry told. It all fell into pieces.

There were so many questions which deserved an answer. But not now. She didn’t dare to wake him up. He looked so peaceful. She stroked his curls which seemed so lifeless.

Slowly she stood up again and with a glance over her shoulder Anne left the room.

She needed to talk to Louis.


	5. chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks to my lovely beta-reader Ariana http://subspacebag.tumblr.com/

_“They say people who commit suicide are cowards. They say they are egoists. If they would think of their loved ones they wouldn’t do it. They would fight. They would stay alive. How little did they know. Have they ever faced those demons? Have they ever been close to know what this feels like? They couldn’t. If they would know they wouldn’t say so. He wasn’t a coward. Not an egoist. He could think of nothing else than his family, his friends, and his boyfriend. He saw them suffer. He saw their pain. He saw their tears. It was only because of him, and it only got worse. He took them with him into the dark. There was no escape for them either. Yes, they would mourn his death, maybe even blame themselves. But one day their wounds would heal. There would be no more pain. No more tears. He wasn’t doing it for him only. He was also doing it for them. He needed them to be free. To be happy. To live again.”_

 

Flashback

 

The movie stopped and Harry turned off the TV. He always loved Love Actually, and though he didn’t know why it made him feel happy and gave him a peaceful feeling. Maybe it was because he loved Christmas, the most wonderful time of the year. Everyone was happy and cheerful.

But he wasn’t happy. He couldn’t even remember the last time he was fully happy. Sure, he was glad to be home, to have Louis and to be okay. But he wasn’t happy. Happiness left him a long time ago. The pain on the other side never left. It just hurt evenly now.

Harry needed Louis. He needed to talk to him, to have him around, and he needed to hear that everything would be okay.

“Louis?” There was no answer. “Louis?” Nothing. He decided to look for Louis.

He expected him in the kitchen but it was empty. He was checking a few more rooms but nothing.

 

At the end he found himself in the entrance hall of their house. It was dark and cold. Louis’ vans and jacket were missing. He was alone.

Probably he will be back soon, Harry reminded himself. He wouldn’t leave him alone. He never did. He promised.

Suddenly the house was so big and he was so small. He needed to remind himself to stay strong. To stay calm.

But it hit him like a punch in the face. He was alone. Louis left. Louis wouldn’t come back.

He had to trouble breathing. He couldn’t stay strong anymore. He needed relief. The demons were back again. Darkness was surrounding him. He felt so small and helpless.

 

Harry went into the bathroom. Splashed cold water on his face to get rid of the dark thoughts. He needed to get rid of them. He couldn’t let them take him. He couldn’t. He promised.

But they were stronger and he was weak. The demons found him in the dark. They always found him and now he was alone. No one would help him out of the dark. No one cared about him.

Louis did leave him. He wouldn’t come back. Why would he? He was only a burden for him. He wasn’t worth it. He destroyed their lives.

He needed to end it. They would be better off without him.

Harry went through the cabinets of their bathroom. It wasn’t there anymore. The blades were gone a long time ago when Louis found them.

Then he saw it lying next to the sink.

A razor. Louis’ razor.

Louis got rid off all what Harry could use to hurt himself. He went through the whole house and got his razor blades, knives, and other stuff. He hid the stuff they would need in the house, though. He was good doing so and paid attention to the smallest details.

But this morning he forgot his razor because the phone rang, and he didn’t have the time to put it away. Harry saw it.

 

He let himself fall down on the floor and broke the razor and got the blades out. Small blades, but they would do it. They would help him to end it all.

Harry was shaking now. Tears streaming down his face and he was unable to see clearly.

The scars on his arms were slowly fading away. It’s been a while since the last time he cut. But he needed it. He needed relief. He needed to bleed to feel alive.

He began to cut. Slowly first, going through the same lines again. It hurt but it felt good. Pain became his friend again. Red was his favourite colour.

Harry sobbed beyond control now. He saw the blood making its way down his arm. _Things he can’t_. Be free, love, live.

 

The cuts weren’t deep yet. Not even deep enough for stitches, he knew that. He just needed to get used to it. He needed to relax before he could go on.

 _I didn’t even write a letter._ How pathetic he was, sitting on the floor of their bathroom. _They deserved one. Mum, Gemma, Dad, Robin, the guys. They needed to know that it wasn’t their fault. That he loved them._

There was no time, Harry reminded himself. They will know. They will understand, Harry thought.

He needed to focus. It was now or never. His chance. No one would find him for a while. He would bleed to death. This time no one would find him. This time everything would end. This time he would be free.

_Louis._

_Oh, Louis. He would find him. He would come home and find him. Without a letter._

 

He inhaled deeply and wiped off the tears. He needed to see. He looked down at the razor blade, which was red from all the blood now.

Down the stream, not across the stream, Harry reminded himself looking at his arm. He could do it. Just a bit deeper than normal. He could do it.

Only attention seekers and people who didn’t actually wanted to die, went horizontal. He did his research. He knew what to do.

_Down the stream, not across it._

He put the blade down on his wrist. He was ready. His time had come. It didn’t hurt anymore. He would be free.

 

There was a noise. It couldn’t be.

“Harry!” someone screamed.

No, there can be no one, Harry thought. His heart was racing, it couldn’t be. He looked down at the blade in his hand again and was about to cut.

Suddenly someone took his arm and took the blade out of his hand.

He sobbed. He was shaking.

Someone put him into a tight hug, didn’t want to let him go.

Louis

“Why?” Louis asked without thinking.

But he knew he couldn’t expect an answer.

Harry couldn’t answer.

 

His wounds were cleaned and a familiar bandage found its way around his arm again.

He still sobbed as he was put into bed again. Blankets covering him and Louis holding him tight whispering words in his ear, he couldn’t understand.

 

He failed. Again. There was no end.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thoughts? Comments?


	6. Chapter 6

_You want to disappear. You want it to end. You want to be found._   
  


When Anne came back to the living room Robin was sitting beside Louis. They didn’t exchange words though.

“I’m sorry,” Louis said, looking up as Anne entered the room.

“No, Louis. Don’t be,” Anne said. It wasn’t easy for her to speak. She felt like breaking down. She wanted to cry again. But she needed to hold it together. She needed to be strong. For Harry. For Louis. Louis, who was sitting in front of her, looked so miserable. Blaming himself for everything. He was like a second son for her, and so seeing him like that was the same as seeing Harry lying in bed before. They both needed help and she needed to make sure they would get it.

“Don’t blame yourself. It’s not your fault. You are not alone anymore. We will help you. Harry needs to be taken care of. But you need help, too. I can’t let something happen to  either one of you. I can’t lose you.”

A little smile crossed her face as she spoke, and Louis was sure she meant what she said. It was just so damn complicated. His thoughts wandered back to last night as the pictures wouldn’t leave his head.

**************************************************************************

_Flashback_   


His trip to the shop took Louis much longer than expected. Why every single neighbour needed to buy something now, he didn’t know. He started to get nervous. He hated it. Every time he had to leave Harry alone, Louis worried. He just couldn’t help himself.

As soon as Louis paid, he hurried back home. The bad feeling wouldn’t leave him. He just needed to go home. He needed to see Harry sitting in front the TV, smiling. He needed to know Harry was okay.

But when he returned home, Harry wasn’t there. The living room was empty. It was dark.

Harry wasn’t sitting in front of the TV. Harry was nowhere to be seen. Louis panicked. He knew he was overreacting, but there was this feeling.

The house was quiet. Louis checked the first floor, but still Harry wasn’t there.

He screamed Harry’s name.

He panicked.

Running up the stairs, Louis reached their bedroom. It was empty.

Where was he?

Louis was looking around. It was dark and quiet.

But then, there it was. A small sob. Where was it coming from? Louis needed to focus.

The bathroom. It came from the bathroom.

Louis was running inside.

His heart stopped the moment he reached the door. His blood ran cold.

Harry.

“Harry!”

Without thinking he fell on his knees and grabbed Harry’s arm. Taking the blade out of his hands he threw it across the room.

“Oh god, Harry.” Louis sobbed. He couldn’t stop the tears from coming.

“Why?” Louis took a closer look at Harry’s arm. The cuts weren’t deep. Thank god.

He got no answer. Just uncontrolled sobs and tears.  


He held him close. Held him as he cried like many times before. But this wasn’t like many times before. Louis knew that.

This wasn’t like any other breakdown before. This wasn’t Harry looking for relief. This was Harry ending at all.

He didn’t dare to speak. He didn’t want to hear it. He didn’t need to hear. He knew.

After some time he let go. Harry was still crying as Louis stood up to get the first aid kit. He took out some bandage and antiseptic.

Louis sat down in front of Harry again. Harry flinched under his touch. Louis tried his best not to hurt Harry. But he needed to do it. He needed to help him. At least a little.

After Louis was done they still hadn’t said a word. There were too many questions Louis wanted to ask, but he knew Harry wouldn’t be able answer them now. He had to wait.

 

Louis pulled Harry up and led him into the bedroom. He held him close as they walked, afraid Harry would break down if he didn’t.

Looking down at Harry, who was now lying in their bed, Louis realised how fragile he looked.  He was stroking his curls, hoping it would help Harry to calm down. To relax a little.

Suddenly Harry was looking him straight in the eyes, his green eyes lifeless.

Quickly Harry closed his eyes again. He couldn’t face Louis. Not yet.

“I’m tired…” he whispered.

“Sleep, Haz. I’m here.” Louis said, lying down next to Harry. “I’m not going to leave.”

 ***********************************************************************

“Louis…” Robin began to speak, and Louis left his thoughts. “You said ‘this time.’ This time he really wanted to kill himself. Louis, what is going on?”

Louis inhaled deeply. He knew he hadn’t said it at before. There was so much more they needed to know. So much they deserved to know.

“I don’t know when it started. I guess months ago. He never really told me. Was a slow process, I guess. The management. The lies. The hiding. I thought we could deal with it. I thought he was okay. He told me so. I should have had a closer look. If I had, maybe we wouldn’t sit here right now.”

“Louis…”

“No. Please let me speak. If I don’t do it now, I will never tell the whole story. I saw the change. He smiled less and preferred to stay in the hotel. He wanted to be alone. But we were on tour, so I just thought he was tired. Exhausted. It was normal. I should have asked him more often. But then, I guess he would have lied. Like he did before I found out. We had a meeting with a management. They wanted another beard for him. I think that was the final straw. He shouted. He fought. But by the end they won. He was running out of the room in tears. I just stood there. I didn’t know what to do.”

Louis needed to breathe before he continued. It was relieving to speak and yet so difficult.

“I found him on the bathroom floor. The window was open and he was just lying there, shaking and crying. He was so cold. Harry told me not to save him, but I did. I thought I did. But it was just the beginning. He promised me that he didn’t want to die, and I believed him. But it only got worse. It was like he was slowly fading away. He hardly slept and ate less and less. Sometimes I had to force him, and only sleeping pills would help him to get some rest at night. I thought it helped until I found him with a razor blade. He promised me to get better. I believed him. I wanted to believe him. I did what I could and somehow it got better when he got home. Life seemed easier here and we were together. I thought we would surrender.”

“Oh, Louis.” He felt arms around him again as he finished speaking.

Anne was crying again. So was he. He needed to let it out.

They sat there for a while before Robin broke the silence, “We need to do something.”

And Anne and Louis knew he was right.

“I will call Des and Gemma.”


	7. Chapter 7

_“There might be darkness, but there is also hope.”_   
  


Louis, Anne, and Robin sat in the living room, waiting for Gemma and Des to arrive. They needed to know, too. They couldn’t make decisions without them, they were his family too.

When they arrived they looked as confused as Anne and Robin did earlier.

“What is this about?” Gemma asked as she arrived and saw Louis sitting miserable on the sofa. Why was he crying? she thought.

Robin told her and Des what Louis told them before. Louis wasn’t able to say it all over again. Robin knew that and tried to help. Harry was like his own son to him, always had been, and though Harry had his father around, he did everything he could to make the boy know that he cared and will never stop caring.

Gemma couldn’t believe what she heard. It didn’t make sense. Harry couldn’t. This wasn’t happening.

“Where is he?” She wanted to know.

“Still asleep. Checked on him before you arrived.” Louis simply stated.

“Shouldn’t he be here?”

“We need to make a decision, Gem. It’s better when he isn’t here right now.” Anne answered.

 

They talked for a long time.

Most plans were overruled soon.

He couldn’t be on his own anymore. They couldn’t leave him alone.

He couldn’t stay with Louis anymore, either, as Louis would end up broken too.

Going home wasn’t an option, either. It wouldn’t help Harry.

“We aren’t experts, Anne,” Robin said, and Des agreed. “He needs help. Professional help. As much as we love him and as much as we want to help him, we can’t. We don’t know how he feels. We don’t know what to do. No one of us has any experience with depression or whatever you like to call it. All of us are helpless in this situation. We can’t take him home and think it would help him. It wouldn’t change a thing. I don’t want to find him one day lying there. None of us does. We need to find someone who can help him. And as much as I hate to say it, he is a danger for himself now.”

Anne knew he was right. As much as she wanted to take him home, they couldn’t. It wouldn’t change anything.  
  


“He saw a therapist before,” Louis whispered, and he could feel the others staring at him.

“Lou?”

“It was a few weeks back when we came home. I thought it would be a good idea. I didn’t know what to do anymore when he broke down once again. I thought it would help him. I knew he didn’t want to go there, but I brought him to the hospital anyway. She was nice. He refused to talk, though. He just sat there, not saying a word. He wasn’t a danger for himself back then. We couldn’t force him to stay there. I should have been more persistent. I should have known better. I should have said something to you guys.”

“You tried your best, Lou. You love him. We don’t blame you. We never will. But it reached a point where we have to focus on Harry and you need to think of yourself,” Anne spoke.

“Do you still have the number?” Des asked and Louis nodded. Standing up he reached out for the small note with the number.

“I’m going to make a call. And then we should talk to Harry.”

 

As he was about to leave the room, he saw Harry standing in the doorway. He looked confused.

“Harry,” Anne said, and Harry could see that she was crying.

Why was she crying? Why was Robin there? Gemma? His dad?

Louis. Louis was crying, too. He didn’t look up when he entered the room.

Harry couldn’t make sense out of the situation in front of him. He felt uncomfortable, though, trying to cover the bandage on his arm, but it was too late.

He panicked.

They knew. He couldn’t breathe anymore. There was no air in his lungs.

They knew. His whole world was breaking down.

“Harry, calm down.” Anne stood up and went over to him to calm him down. Putting her arms around him, they slowly walked over to the sofa and sat down. “We need to talk to you.”

Harry didn’t answer.

“Louis told us what happened,” Anne started. Harry looked at Louis, who was sitting across him. He couldn’t see his face.

Louis buried his face in his hands. The tears were still streaming down his face. He couldn’t look up. He couldn’t face Harry. He couldn’t look him in the eyes after he broke his promise. He couldn’t.

Anne struggled to speak. It’s a situation she never wished to happen. A situation she couldn’t imagine. She told him what they spoke about and why his dad left the room.

Harry still didn’t say anything. What was he supposed to tell them? How could he explain?  
  


His dad returned to the room and let them all know what they would do now.

Harry didn’t pay attention as he knew what was coming.

_Hospital. Therapy. Psych ward. Till he would be better. If he wouldn’t do it on his own choice they would force him. They could. They would. Because this time, he is a danger for himself._

Harry let it happen. He didn’t have the power to fight. He was too tired to fight. He couldn’t do it anymore. He couldn’t even cry.

He had to pack his bag. His mum helped him to pack a few things, and she made sure he had everything he would need.

Again people were making decisions for him. But this time, people he loved and trusted. He wasn’t sure if that was any better. He didn’t know if he was sad or relieved. He didn’t feel anything when he left the house.

When they left, the living room was empty and he didn’t turn around.

He didn’t say goodbye. He couldn’t.

……………………

_Later the same day_

Louis was sitting alone on the back porch of their house, staring blankly at the scenery in front of him.

It was all too much to handle. Last night. The call. Harry leaving.

Robin found him outside. He knew that nothing he would say could make Louis feel better, so he just sat down beside him, letting him know he wasn’t alone.

“I thought we could make it. I thought love would be enough.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Toughts? Comments?


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And thanks to my lovely beta-reader Ariana http://subspacebag.tumblr.com/

_“You knew he had to be careful. You always knew you needed to take care of yourself, too. To help him. You wouldn’t help him if you were broken too. You needed to be strong. You always told yourself. But one day when you try to fix the shattered pieces you cut yourself.”_

 

Louis wanted to be alone.

He knew they were worried. He was worried too.

Ever since Harry left he was alone in the flat, which he refused to leave. He wasn’t ready to face reality outside their home. Their home where he thought they would be safe.

He couldn’t get the pictures out of his head. The pictures of Harry shaking, crying, sobbing, and calling out his name. The picture of Harry trying to kill himself in their bathroom.

How was he ever supposed to forget that?

They wouldn’t let him, though. His mum was calling every day. He could hear how relieved she was when he answered the phone. She asked if he ate and slept-somehow it calmed people to know other slept and ate, although he didn’t know why.

Louis knew she would be here with him if the twins wouldn’t be sick. He kinda was glad for it. No, he wasn’t glad for his little sisters being sick, but he knew he couldn’t handle the presence of his mum these days.

Anne checked on him daily. She would bring groceries and cook some meals to put in the freezer. She told him about Harry and his progress. It was good to hear that Harry was slowly getting better. That other people could fix the wounds he wasn’t able to prevent.

“He loves you, Lou.”

“I know, Anne, I know. But…” He didn’t know what to say.

“You need him to tell you,” she finished the sentence for him. It was hard for her to see Louis like this. She was worried about Harry, but he was taken care of now. But she was also worried about Louis, who sat heartbroken in front of her. Ever since she met him, she really liked Louis. Not only for loving Harry and making him happy, but also for the person he was.

“I’m coming back tomorrow.” She smiled and Louis nodded before she left.

Gemma came over a few times a week, too. She would stay with him and hold him when he cried. They never talked about it, though. They didn’t need to. They knew.

The boys went to see him. Zayn would just offer his presence and let him know he would be there if he ever needed to talk. Liam, in his role of the daddy of the group, offered him help and gave some advice. Niall as his usual cheery self would try to lighten up the mood, making jokes and trying to make the others laugh. Louis appreciated their efforts. He knew they were worried and they cared. He never doubted that, but he couldn’t handle their presence right now. He couldn’t handle anyone’s presence. He just wanted to be alone.

One day they let him know that the next events were cancelled by management. For Harry, they said.

“Bullshit! They don’t give a fucking shit about him! They don’t want the world to know what they did! That’s why they cancelled stuff!” Louis shouted, and other three knew he was right.

“We know that, Lou. But please focus on Harry right now and yourself. You need to get out again,” Liam tried his best to convince him.

“We miss you, Lou,” Niall pouted.

“Let’s have some dinner tonight. We could order something and watch a movie like old times,” Liam said.

“Maybe,” Louis answered, giving them the answer they wanted to hear. There would be no movie and no dinner, he knew that.

And as much they said that they missed him and wanted to spend time with him again, he couldn’t do it.

They had no idea, he thought. It would never be like old times. One was missing.

He could see the pity in their eyes. He hated it. He hated them. Hated them all. They could see him. They could talk to Harry.

Harry. His Hazza, who refused to see him.

Louis knew he broke his promise.

***************************************************************************

He promised to get better, he promised to talk to him. He promised and he failed.

Harry sat on his bed. Actually, it wasn’t his bed. Ever since he came to this place he wanted to leave again. They wouldn’t let him. He was a danger for himself they said, and they let him know that if he wouldn’t stay voluntarily, they would make him.

Harry looked around. The room was nearly empty. He only had a bed, a small locker, and a table with two stairs. There were no pictures or mirrors at the walls. He could hurt himself, they said. He wanted to tell them he wouldn’t, but they wouldn’t believe him.

After some time he refused to take the medications. He wanted to get healthy, he really did, and did not want to depend on medicaments for the rest of his live.

He did what they wanted, though. He knew he wouldn’t get out if he didn’t. He wasn’t stupid.

He was tired most of the time. Every time he closed his eyes, they were there again. Blue eyes looking at him. Worried, tired, in pain. He knew he hurt Louis and as much as he wished he could turn back time, he knew that reality was waiting for him outside the hospital.

Harry stood up every morning at seven o’clock. He ate his regular meals and spent his days writing in his diary. Once he got the diary to put ideas down, for songs, lyrics, or whatever came into his mind. Now his diary was his only friend in the psych ward. One that would listen and not ask stupid questions.

He refused to talk with anyone else. He didn’t go to group therapies. They told him it would help. What did they know about him? How could they know? They didn’t know anything.

Harry had to see a therapist, though. Every single day, since he came here two weeks ago. They talked about every single detail in his life. His family. The tours. The boys. Even the management. But he refused to talk about Louis.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feedback? 
> 
> 3 chapters left!


	9. Chapter 9

_“I promise, I tried really hard. I tried to stay strong. But it got to be too much, and one day...one day I just woke up and couldn’t handle it anymore. I saw no way out.”_

 

“I didn’t want to die,” Harry suddenly spoke. Linda, his psychotherapist, was surprised. Harry never started to speak on his own. Sure, he answered her questions, and he started to answer more and more as the life returned into his eyes over the last few days, but he never started to speak. She let him.

“And I don’t want to die now. I just didn’t want to live anymore. Not sure if that makes sense,” Harry said, looking up at her searching for some sign to go on.

“I think it makes sense, Harry. After all you told me, I think it does.”

It also made sense to her because she got the chance to speak to Harry’s family. She spoke to Louis too. She wasn’t talking about Harry behind his back. He knew they talked to her. He was okay with it. But Linda also talked to them to understand things Harry didn’t understand himself. She needed to get the full story. But more importantly, they needed help too.

“I always knew I was gay. It was never a problem till I went to the X-Factor and met Louis.”

Linda was just listening to him, not sure where this would lead.

“We fell in love. From the moment I met him I was crazy about him. Everything was so good, and we were so happy,” Harry said, and a smile crossed his face, thinking about the beginning of their relationship.

“What happened?” She couldn’t push him. She knew that. Every patient was different and with Harry she had to be careful.

“They figured out.”

“Who?” She was walking on thin ice.

“Management. PR. People around us.” Harry stopped talking. “We thought we would be strong. We would fight. But we had no choice.”

Harry continued to tell the story. It was nothing Linda didn’t already know, but she let him speak. She asked a few questions in between but mostly just listened till he got to the point when Louis found Harry the first time.

“They wanted another girl for me. To keep the womanizer image I had alive. I fought. I screamed. But no one was listening. I ran. Somehow I found my way back to the hotel. I don’t know how, but I ended up broken on the bathroom floor. I waited for death to take me with it. But Louis found me. I don’t remember a lot from that night. But he found me. Saved me. I told him not to, but he did. And he did it so many times afterwards. He held me when I cried and he did everything to make me feel better. He saved me more than once. I wouldn’t be here without him.”

“Then why do you refuse to see him?”

“I broke my promise.”

***************************************************************************

_Flashback_

 

“Don’t…”

“Haz…”

“Don’t try to save me, Lou.”

Louis panicked. He didn’t know what to do. He needed to get help but couldn’t leave Harry: Harry who was lying on the bed, freezing and not reacting to his calls.

Think. Calm down, Louis thought. There was no time for tears and definitely no time to freak out. Harry needed help. He needed to get his shit together.

He was breathing and his pulse was regular. Good.

Louis needed to warm him up. He needed to get warm. He turned on the heater, grabbed some extra blankets from the wardrobe, and was about to put them on Harry when he stopped.

Body heat. He didn’t know why, but he recalled that body heat helped the other one. Soon he stepped out of his clothes and lay down next to Harry, pulling him close to feel his body heat.

With the blankets above them Louis held Harry the whole night, making sure he was breathing and alive. Safe.

Sleep wouldn’t find him that night, and from time to time he would call out Harry’s name to get a reaction from the other one. He only stirred a little, but that was all Louis needed.

The new day arrived, and Louis needed to talk to Harry. He needed answers, and he needed them now. Harry was moving, and he used this chance before he would fall asleep again.

“Hazza? Are you awake?”

“Lou.” Louis moved so he could face Harry. His eyes were dull. He looked exhausted. And it wasn’t exhaustion caused by lack of sleep and because he was tired. He was tired. But of life.

“Tell me what happened, Haz. Tell me, please,” Louis was pleading. He needed to know.

Harry knew Louis deserved answers. He just didn’t know how to start. How do you tell your boyfriend that you don’t know if you want to live anymore?

“It just… I’m sorry,” Harry had trouble speaking, and Louis stroked his hair to help him to relax and talk. “Another girl. Another PR stunt. Spend nights with her. I can’t do that anymore, Lou. I can’t.”

“Shh, Haz. Everything is going to be alright. They can’t force you to do that. We will figure something out. Okay?”

“Ok,” Harry sobbed, and he knew that there was something else. Something more important to talk about.

“Last night…”

“I don’t want to die, Lou. I didn’t want to kill myself. I don’t Lou. I want to be happy. I want to be with you. For the rest of my life. Happy with you. I just lost control. I can’t even explain. It just became too much to handle. I can’t fight anymore, boo. I’m sorry. I saw no way out,” Harry sobbed. He knew he hurt Louis.

“You are not alone, Haz. Look at me.” And he did. “We are stronger than them. We will not surrender. Our love is stronger than they are. I won’t leave you, and I won’t let you do this alone, okay? You are not alone. We will figure something out.”

“Don’t tell anyone, Lou. Promise me not to tell anyone. You can’t. Please.” Tears were filling his eyes again when he spoke those words. He knew what he demanded from Louis. But Louis knowing was a lot to handle and he couldn’t deal with everyone else right now.

“I promise, Haz. But you promise to tell me when you feel sad, tired, or if you need me around. Promise me to get better. I need my Hazza around.” He held him close again. No one would be able to take Harry away from him.

“Promise.” Harry only whispered the words, but it was enough for Louis to hear.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading and feedback and comments are always welcome!
> 
> And thanks to my lovely beta-reader Ariana http://subspacebag.tumblr.com/

_“When I see you, the world stops. It stops and all that exists for me is you and my eyes staring at you. There’s nothing else. No noise, no other people, no thoughts or worries, no yesterday, no tomorrow. The world just stops, and it is a beautiful place, and there is only you.”_ -James Frey

Louis knew the knocking on the door wouldn’t stop till he opened it. It were Zayn and Liam, and he was pretty sure he heard Niall, too. He tried to ignore them, but at some point he was sure they would just knock down the door, so he stood up and let them in.

He didn’t greet them when they walked in, and no words were exchanged for a while as they sat down in the living room. Till Liam started to speak.

“We just came back from Harry.” He said.

_Great,_ Louis thought.

“We told him. We made a decision.” Liam continued.

_What this was about_ , Louis didn’t know.

“Don’t you want to know?” He asked because he could see how confused Louis was.

“Yeah, sure. Tell me.” But he was really not in the mood to talk. And definitely not when Niall looked so happy. Why was Niall happy when they just came from the hospital? It couldn’t have anything to do with Harry, he thought. Anne or Gemma would have told them earlier.

“We are going to leave Modest!” Zayn announced.

_This can’t be true_ , Louis thought.

Of course Louis thought of leaving their management many times before. But without anyone knowing about Harry it wasn’t easy to do, and he never thought the situation would get so bad.

“No.” He didn’t know why he said that. “We can’t do that. There is a contract. And you guys, it’s your dream too. Seriously, I appreciate it, but I can’t let you do this. It’s too much…”

“No, Louis. You don’t understand,” Liam interrupted him. “It’s over. Do you really think we would be able to go back to them after all that happened? It’s all said and done. We are leaving. We spoke to a lawyer and we will get out of the contract. It might take a while, but we will get there! If there was one good thing about Modest, it was that we made enough money to pay whatever they ask for. Well, hopefully we will be able to, but I guess they have no interest in the world to know what they did. We also spoke to Simon. We are going to keep this contract, but we will need to find another management. We can do this. The biggest boy band ever will find another management. No more lies and hiding, Lou. You won’t have to suffer anymore. You will be able to do whatever you want. We will make our own decisions about everything. We can do this.”

“What did Harry say?” Louis wanted to know, looking at Liam.

“He cried. Well, you know him. But he’s in. He said that he doesn’t know how much time he will need to fully recover but we will give him all the time he needs. He is more important than every album, tour, or whatever. Same goes for you. We won’t do this without you guys,” Liam said with a smile on his face, and Louis knew he truly meant it.

“Thanks.” Louis whispered and he wasn’t sure if the word left his mouth. “I think we both need a lot of time though.”

“Well, he will be out of the hospital soon. So I guess it’s a good sign.”

_What was Niall talking about? Why didn’t anyone tell him? How could no one tell him that Harry is allowed to go home?_

Louis was shocked.

_Maybe he isn’t coming home._

“You didn’t know.” Zayn felt for him as he could see Louis eyes get teary.

 

***************************************************************************

 

“Harry. You didn’t break your promise. As much as Louis is wrong thinking he broke his.” Linda, who sat across from Harry, said.

“Louis thinks so?” Harry wondered.

“We spoke recently. I thought it would help him to speak with someone who is not involved. Who he just can talk to and who listens.”

“What did he say?” Harry wanted to know.

“I can’t tell you. Medical secrecy.” She said but continued as she saw how sad Harry was. “But I can tell you something. He loves you and you both really need to talk to each other. You need to hear his side, and you need to learn that neither of you broke any promise. You both tried your best. Neither of you is to blame,” Linda spoke but Harry didn’t say anything.

“Harry, you know you are allowed to leave soon. We will see each other on a regular basis, though. But do you know where you want to go to?”

“I want to go home.”

“Your mum?” Linda knew that wasn’t what Harry meant, but she needed to hear it from him.

Harry shook his head.

“Where?”

“Louis,” Harry whispered trying to stop the tears.

“You should let him know then.”

“I can’t tell him. I refused to see him while I was here. How am I supposed to tell him now? I can’t just call him and ask him to get me. I can’t stand in front of the house and act like it didn’t happen.” Harry said crying. He just wanted to go home. Home to Louis but things weren’t that easy.

“No, you can’t. And you won’t. Call him. Write a message or a letter. You don’t have to explain him right away but one day you have to and you will tell him. Maybe he will struggle to understand why you didn’t want to see him. Maybe he is a bit angry, but I’m really sure he will understand it one day but first he be glad to take you home.”

Linda could see Harry smile for the first time that he was there.  
  


***************************************************************************

_5 days later_   
  


“Do you think he will come?” Harry asked his mum while he packed his stuff.

He was allowed to go home today. He wasn’t a danger for himself anymore, but he needed to come back every week or so. Maybe more often, depending on how everything would work out when he was home. Harry knew it wasn’t over. He knew he needed to continue the therapy. His depression was nothing he could leave behind in the psych ward.

“Stop being so nervous. He will come,” his mum answered placing her hand on Harry’s back to calm him.

“How do you know? He never replied to my message. I wrote him I was allowed to go home and asked him to come, and he never answered. Did he even get the letter?” Harry asked.

“He did, and he read it. And trust me, the fact that he was cleaning the house is enough proof that he knows and he will be here.”

“Hope so,” Harry said, and his mum could see he was sad.

_Where was Louis?_

“Hey, no sad thoughts today! Maybe we can go out and see if we find him on the way. Come on, we will leave this room and look for him. He was never on time and maybe he got lost,” Anne said, trying to cheer Harry up.

On their way out, Harry refused to look up. He didn’t want to see the empty halls. He didn’t want to get his hopes up every time someone passed by.

 

“Harry” Anne spoke suddenly.

“Hm.”

“I guess the compass finally found its way to the ship,” Anne said smilingly. She always thought this tattoos where too much, but it was their choice and today she couldn’t help herself. It just fit.

Harry looked up and saw Louis. He was asking someone for the way and he looked out of breath. Always late, Harry thought. When he finally looked in Harry’s direction, the time stood still for them.

They found their way into each other’s arms somehow and they just held each other for a while.

“You came.”

“Of course I did.”

“You didn’t reply and you’re late.” Harry sobbed.

“I’m sorry!” Louis whispered into Harry’s ear.

“Don’t be.” Harry said hugging Louis even tighter.

Somewhere in between, Anne excused herself and left the two of them alone. She was sure both of them weren’t listening to her words but for once she didn’t care; all that mattered were the two of them. And Louis and Harry were together. And happy. It was all that mattered right now.

They still held each other tight as if the other one wouldn’t be there anymore when they would let go.

“Take me home, boo.” Harry said as he slowly let go of Louis and tried to brush of his tears.

“Then let’s go, Haz.” Louis said and a small smile crossed his face before he he took Harry’s hand into his.

With the other one Louis took Harry’s bag and led him out.

Both of them knew that they still had a long way ahead of them. Things wouldn’t be easy. This wasn’t a fairy tale...

But this time they would make sure that their love would be enough.

That the world would be a beautiful place for the two of them.


	11. Epilogue

  
_"You can’t leave depression behind in the psych ward. You can’t lock it in a box and throw away the key. As much as you want to, it’s just not possible. It’s a long way you have to go._   
_From time to time you will see the demons standing along the way. They are there. They see you, you see them. They will follow you. But you aren’t alone. Family, friends, and your boyfriend are with you. They will find you when you are lost. They will guide you home: where you belong.”_

  
There are good and bad days. Laughter and tears. Joy and sorrow. Happiness and pain.

Sometimes they struggle. Both of them.

There are days when Louis would find Harry crying on the floor again. Days where it all came back to him. But he would hold his hand, stroke his hair, and tell him that he loved him till Harry would relax in his arms.

There are days when Louis felt like he couldn’t do it again. He didn’t have enough energy to go through all of this again. But this time he isn’t alone. People knew. People helped them.

************************************************************************

Each week Louis would drive Harry to the hospital and wait for him outside so harry could tale to Linda.

Sometimes, when Harry asked him, he would go with him and stay by his side while he talked about his struggle.

Louis would sit by his side when he told the guys everything. He needed to tell them. Though they knew what happened, he needed to tell his story. They deserved it and they deserved the truth out of his mouth. At the end they would all be crying.

But the tears would turn into tears of happiness.

They would sign to a new management and PR team that would give them more freedom and that let them grow as people and also grow as a band. It took them a while to fight off Modest and to find a new team they could trust, but it gave them time to leave the fame behind for a few months and gave Harry time to recover.

They would write their own songs and make sure they would be everything they ever wanted to sing about. Love, friendship, and life in all its facets.

The first concert after their break felt like nothing changed. The crowd, the adrenaline, the love. But everything had changed. For the better. The few concerts they played gave them a good feeling about their future.

They couldn’t be happier.

And one day Harry would tell everyone. One day the fans would get to know the truth about the break.

*************************************************************************

“I’m proud of you, Haz,” Louis said as he sat down beside him at the beach.

They rented a small cottage next to the sea after the tour was finished. The needed some time off, time to relax and time to spend together.

“I still struggle,” Harry said quietly, looking at the sea in front of them. “It’s not over, Lou.”

Louis pulled Harry over, so Harry would be sitting between his legs. He just needed him close before he started to talk.

“It might not be over, Haz, and you… we struggle, but look at the long way we’ve come.

You didn’t cut since that night, and that makes me proud. You are going to therapy to talk about your problems, and that makes me proud. You tell me or others when you feel sad and when you need help, and that’s a big step, Haz. Never forget that,” Louis spoke as a small breeze was coming from the sea and blowing through their hair.

He took Harry’s arm in his hand went over the cuts, which were slowly fading away.

“Lou…,” Harry whispered, trying to cover his arm.

“Still my turn and you need to hear it. The scars will always be there, and no matter how much they will fade away, they will stay there and they will always remind us of the past. And we can’t make it unhappen or forget it, but we are here now. We made it, Haz. We were stronger than that. And if you are down or struggle, I promise to help you again. To be there for you. Not to leave you alone. But I won’t promise that I won’t tell others about it again because I realised that sometimes the best way to be there for you is to find someone who can actually help you. And I will do this because I love you and I will do everything for you if you let me.”

Harry was crying as he heard Louis’ words. He rested his head on Louis’ chest and he would never feel more loved than in Louis’ arms.

“Hey, no tears, Hazza.” Louis whispered into Harry’s ear.

“I can’t help it, Lou. Your words… I know I hurt you a lot,” Harry sobbed.

“Don’t. We spoke about it and it’s alright. We were both hurt and did the things we thought were the best for the other. But we know better now.” Louis stated hugging him tighter and placing a kiss on Harry’s curls. “And don’t forget, we are here to celebrate our coming out and not to cry,” he whispered into Harry’s ear and smiled.

A few days ago they recorded a short video to let their fans know about them. And though they knew that most fans suspected it all way along, it was still a big step for them. They knew that there wouldn’t be just positive reactions, but they also knew that they could handle it. Together they could do everything.

Harry smiled too when they walked back to the cottage to have dinner, and this smile made Louis happier than everything else because this sincere smile let him know that everything would be okay.

And later at night Louis would place small kisses on all of the scars on Harry’s arms and thighs to let him know he loved them, too. He loved them because they were a part of Harry and he loved everything about him.

And he would never stop loving Harry.  
  


Finally the world was a beautiful place for them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, this was my first chaptered fic and I hope you enjoyed it!
> 
> At the end, I wanted to thank everyone who read this story, left kudos or/and wrote comments, the feedback meant a lot to me!
> 
> I also need to thank my beta-reader Ariana http://subspacebag.tumblr.com/ again for reading the story and her comments!


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